Shel Silverstein

Now I'm warnin' all you women, don't stand too close to me
'Cause you might catch fire
Now you're talkin' to a man in a whole other kind of bag
Well I'm three parts tiger and one part snake
I'll ball you to sleep and I'll bite you awake
And I'm so good that I don't have to brag
I need an adding machine to count up all the women
I've ruined for other men
Now compared to me Paul Bunyan is a screamin' fag
I can shift more gears and pump more juice
I'll turn you every which way but loose
And I'm so damn good that I don't have to brag
Now there's twenty thirty beautiful women
A sleepin' at the foot of my bed
And every night, every night I hear 'em sighin'
They say that I don't miss a thing
They say that I'm the lovin' king
And I'm too nice a guy to say they're lyin'
Now I've been makin' love professionally
Since I was only six years old
And I really learned the way to wiggly wag
And still I'm such a modest man you know
I'm twice as great as I think I am
I'm so good that I don't have to brag
There's a line of chicks startin' at my window
And reachin' across the street
And it stretches 'way to the other side of town
They come to me from across the seas
On their knees just sayin', "Please"
And I'm too nice a guy to turn 'em down
Now I once got captured by some
Amazon women down in the Fiji Isles
They were fightin' over me to see who'd be my bride
I had to kill them all and I will admit it
And I won't tell you how I did it
But I'll tell you each one was smilin' when she died
Now the day I die every woman
In the country's gonna go around dressed in black
And they'll probably add another star to the American flag
And they'll build me a monument forty feet high
Sayin' it's a shame he had to die
He was so damn good he never had to brag
And I'm tellin' you men keep
Your eighteen year old daughters off of my back
And your wives, they like the way I carry on
And why don't you go look at your mother for a while
You notice she's wearin' a funny sorta smile
Well that just means I've been there and I've gone
Now if you got a frigid woman
I'm gonna cure her for a hundred dollars
You can bring her around my house at four o'clock
And you can come and pick her up at 4:03
If you can pry her off of me
I got a whole lot of others just waitin' 'round the block
Now if you're wonderin' how you're gonna get to me
Better bring a Cadillac full of money
'Cause I sure as hell ain't gonna swing without no swag
I can make you creep, I can make you crawl
Make you scream and climb the wall
And I'm so good that I don't have to brag
So baby don't call me up at three o'clock
In the mornin' no more threatenin' suicide
I mean go ahead and do it honey
'Cause wakin' me up is a drag
And you can leave a note for all the rest
Sayin' at least you had the very best
And he's so damn good that he don't have to brag
Now I'm warnin' all you women don't stand too close to me
'Cause you might catch fire
Now you're talkin' to a man in a whole other kind of bag
I'm three parts tiger and one part snake
I'll ball you to sleep and I'll bite you awake
And I'm so good that I don't have to brag